I’ll be honest. I’m afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of showing my feelings for others. I’m afraid of showing my weaknesses. I’m afraid of relationships. I’m afraid of closure. There’s a reason why I’m a girl; I’m a pussy.
My sis said she can’t wait to see me going out with a guy. Me too. But I only daydream about one HEHE. Sorry Jie, I know you’ll roll your eyes when you see this but you should pretend to not know anything bout me because that’s how it’s supposed to be right? Bitch please. HAHAHA I love you :)
This is the fourth day. I tried to remember how I was feeling and what was in my mind last Thursday. 5am, it was all still good. All I could remember was sleeping throughout the day till roughly about 7pm+. I did wake up few times but those minutes being awake, I felt nothing but like a terrible pile of shit. All kinds of negative thoughts were running in my head and all I did was cry like a bitch. I wanted to jump out of the window again. I punched my head as hard as I could, then fell back to sleep. After awhile, I woke up and started taking pins and poking myself. I cried and went back to sleep. Then I woke up for the last time, I wanted to just pack up and go Thailand. But that time, my sis in law whatsapp-ed me so without thinking, I just told her I’m going KL. and that’s how I ended up here, today.
I was just mad at everyone. I switched off my phone, stopped using Facebook and ignored my parents’ calls from my brother’s and sis in law’s phone. But I didn’t know what’s the reason behind my anger. I felt damn fucked up so I did a tattoo. The pain was fucked up, but I felt better.
I hope my dad doesn’t ask me what’s my new year’s resolution. I honestly don’t have one anymore. And I don’t plan to think of one. If he grumbles, telling me to see life in an optimistic way, (I know he’s worried but I just don’t have one) I’ll just make up some mind blowing shit. At least he’s happy and that’s what will make me feel relieved; to see him not being worried about me.
I really feel like running away now. I keep thinking of the previous attachment days when I keep breaking down at the mrt because I didn’t wanna step out of my room so badly but I knew I had to because that’s the right thing to do at that moment because of the bond and my own self conscious that is fighting with myself. I keep thinking of the reasons behind my actions for this week. I really can’t explain. I know it’s me and my stupid self. There are part of me reminding myself with all the negative thoughts but still I tell myself “it’s really just a small matter. Why are you over reacting?”
I really don’t know how to explain this. I just came up with the conclusion that I’m really an awful person. I bring burden to everyone that cares. I hate myself. I fucking do.